i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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