Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
