If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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