look no pants
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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