i wish my penis had a tongue
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
