I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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