I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
