mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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