It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
