do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
