After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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