I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
