I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
