he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
