He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
