I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
