If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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