Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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