my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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