just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
