I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
