We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
