i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
