I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
