If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
