Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
FUCK WHALES
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
