I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
