i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize