why didn't you poke me back
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't put those talents on a resume
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize