we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
