This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
