He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
