porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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