You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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