If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
