apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize