Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
