everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
