Someone shit on the floor
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
