He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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