I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
