Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
