The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
