i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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