Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
