If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
