Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
