so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
