went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
