I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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