Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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