last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
