Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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