She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
