Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
