I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
